Forum Topics
Female Performer Chat: Inappropriate Private Objectives
Created by:
dudley_do_ride
9/15/14 @ 10:54am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
You are the member, the one ponying up the cash, so you get to set the prime private objectives... And no doubt this is a chance to exercise your creativity to the fullest... Nevertheless there are some types of privates that experience has shown are not going to turn out quite the way you intended... intended... intended...
The Death Private: You are angry with the model. She has crossed you the last time. You wish to end it all with her in the most final, bl00d curdling way... So you warp in, intent upon giving her the Kiss of Death, and the deadly cold philosophical Last Words... but she refuses to buy into the thing, laughs, and makes fun of your cock size in the open room... You have forgotten the first rule of privates, you must get buy-in.
The Long War of Wills Private: She is coy, she is shy. She has superglued her underwear on. So you decide to fight the war of attrition on getting her underwear down. You heap hours of private time upon her narrow shoulders and turn on the sheik in you. Hours upon hours of your most intense seduction. Every accent u know. You even make a deal with the devil to make the pull of gravity 3 times stronger in her room. You would have been better off with a different objective. Like letting the sweetness build to the highest ever level. Seeing how high the warmth factor would go. But your victory condition was doomed to fail. Because nothing will make that underwear come down. You will perish in the desert o sheik...
The Star Wars Action Figures private... Ah cam to cam... What use should be made of it? Some have restaged Don Giovanni with wax figures... But you... you decided to restage Star Wars I... Is it any wonder you are still in your Jar Jar roos?
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The Death Private: You are angry with the model. She has crossed you the last time. You wish to end it all with her in the most final, bl00d curdling way... So you warp in, intent upon giving her the Kiss of Death, and the deadly cold philosophical Last Words... but she refuses to buy into the thing, laughs, and makes fun of your cock size in the open room... You have forgotten the first rule of privates, you must get buy-in.
The Long War of Wills Private: She is coy, she is shy. She has superglued her underwear on. So you decide to fight the war of attrition on getting her underwear down. You heap hours of private time upon her narrow shoulders and turn on the sheik in you. Hours upon hours of your most intense seduction. Every accent u know. You even make a deal with the devil to make the pull of gravity 3 times stronger in her room. You would have been better off with a different objective. Like letting the sweetness build to the highest ever level. Seeing how high the warmth factor would go. But your victory condition was doomed to fail. Because nothing will make that underwear come down. You will perish in the desert o sheik...
The Star Wars Action Figures private... Ah cam to cam... What use should be made of it? Some have restaged Don Giovanni with wax figures... But you... you decided to restage Star Wars I... Is it any wonder you are still in your Jar Jar roos?
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Created by:
agrat.bat.mahlat
9/15/14 @ 1:37pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: in superior upon you
LOLOLOLOL!
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
9/15/14 @ 10:52pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
Always have a plan...
Bad Idea: If I wear a d1aper and dance in a vat of lentils, I've got enough private material for at least 45 minutes...
The Problem: No plot... Not nearly enough detail...
Better: Begin in d1apers, fetal position, sucking thumb... Notice girl... Rapidly age... (discarding d1apers)... grab girl... Fuck her in the lentils...
Inspired: Girl dances in front of your monolith. She touches it. You both go crazy and then black out. She throws a d1aper into the air... The cam catches it as it spins, spins, spins... You both dress in space suits and fuck in the lentils...
+ Quote
Bad Idea: If I wear a d1aper and dance in a vat of lentils, I've got enough private material for at least 45 minutes...
The Problem: No plot... Not nearly enough detail...
Better: Begin in d1apers, fetal position, sucking thumb... Notice girl... Rapidly age... (discarding d1apers)... grab girl... Fuck her in the lentils...
Inspired: Girl dances in front of your monolith. She touches it. You both go crazy and then black out. She throws a d1aper into the air... The cam catches it as it spins, spins, spins... You both dress in space suits and fuck in the lentils...
+ Quote
Created by:
dudley_do_ride
9/15/14 @ 11:21pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
You must choose the right model for your plan... Suppose that you decide to show off your serenade...
You go through the trouble of selecting a fine guitar... You debate within yourself the merits of pick vs fingers... You practice your Italian, your vibrato, your guitar playing poses.. You pick out a sexy matador type looking tight outfit with sequins... You wax your mustache... And...
Stupidly pick a model who is already dancing to Alvin and the Chipmunks Guest Host Cher who is channeling ABBA... You strum and strum.. She cannot hear you and wouldn't understand u if she could.
It could be worse.... She could serenade you
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
9/17/14 @ 12:39am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
(scene: poolside, sunny California day)
Ride's cock: Hello everybody... So glad to be in your living rooms today... *adjusts swim trunks*
Ride's cock: You know me by hundreds of names of course... Sundance, little buddy, the Monolith, to name a few. But more than my name you know that I have come to stand for that suave, rugged machismo that every mountie needs when the going gets rough. And sure as shooting I have seen a lot of privates.... Many many privates... Truckloads of privates...
Ride's voice (offstage) Sundance!
Ride's cock: Well we've enjoyed our private shows... And lord knows we ain't getting any younger, even if we do get more more handsomer heh heh *jingles his gold chains a little*
Ride's voice: Today Sundance... Please...
Ride's cock: Don't rush me Butch... These things go their own speed. Gotta savor them see? Now where was I... oh yes... We want to make sure that we pass our collective wisdom on... on to our posterity. Our future. That's you young fellas.
Ride's cock: Now I can't teach ya anything about style... *more chain jingling* Or looks *turns his head to get the most direct sun* But even though every man has to play what he is dealt he can profit from our knowledge of shows... and women...
Ride's cock: You see... a good private is more than just not a bad private... it is a thing, an essence, that is pure in some abstract sense... It does not happen by accident... And tho often the script seems driven by the model... no careful man leaves it entirely to chance or her whim... Never...
* here we break for a moment while the learned cock meditates a bit, in preparation for his first lesson *
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Ride's cock: Hello everybody... So glad to be in your living rooms today... *adjusts swim trunks*
Ride's cock: You know me by hundreds of names of course... Sundance, little buddy, the Monolith, to name a few. But more than my name you know that I have come to stand for that suave, rugged machismo that every mountie needs when the going gets rough. And sure as shooting I have seen a lot of privates.... Many many privates... Truckloads of privates...
Ride's voice (offstage) Sundance!
Ride's cock: Well we've enjoyed our private shows... And lord knows we ain't getting any younger, even if we do get more more handsomer heh heh *jingles his gold chains a little*
Ride's voice: Today Sundance... Please...
Ride's cock: Don't rush me Butch... These things go their own speed. Gotta savor them see? Now where was I... oh yes... We want to make sure that we pass our collective wisdom on... on to our posterity. Our future. That's you young fellas.
Ride's cock: Now I can't teach ya anything about style... *more chain jingling* Or looks *turns his head to get the most direct sun* But even though every man has to play what he is dealt he can profit from our knowledge of shows... and women...
Ride's cock: You see... a good private is more than just not a bad private... it is a thing, an essence, that is pure in some abstract sense... It does not happen by accident... And tho often the script seems driven by the model... no careful man leaves it entirely to chance or her whim... Never...
* here we break for a moment while the learned cock meditates a bit, in preparation for his first lesson *
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
9/19/14 @ 11:22am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
Ride's cock: This swimming pool, is truly a swimming pool, but it is also a metaphore... for the very thing we are talking about.
Ride's cock: Look at these 2 guys getting into the pool right now. One guy is as you can see very slowly and nervously getting in. First a toe, then an ankle, now he takes his foot out and looks like he is going away. Eventually he will get in but will take forever.
Ride's cock: But look at this guy over here. He knows he wants to get in there, into that fresj invigorating water, and he's just gonna dive in. Hell, he's gonna climb up on that diving board to make the rush of diving in even greater, and he's gonna show off a little by maybe doing a flip and making his landing just right. He's put some thought into the trunks he is wearing and as a reward he is gonna not only get the reward of the water but the esteem of all who see him make that dive.
Ride's cock: I don't think I need to say more about how this relates. But I will. Part of his trick is that he's not always in the water. He doesn't soak himself into a wrinkled mess and fall asleep in the pool. He enjoys the space outside the pool too. Getting his body tanned, making friends, being a balanced individual. If there were more than one pool to dive into, you could be sure that sometimes he would dive into one and sometimes another. Spreading his experience and raising the joy of seeing him by some segment that isn't really too sure he will be back again soon.
* Ride picks up his cock and throws him into the pool *
Ride: There is a great truth too in this... but I will let the student teach himself... Have a great weekend.
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
9/20/14 @ 4:03am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
Never do this:
Guy: Hi baby, want me to teach u the southern constellations...
Girl: Ooooo I'd love to pull out a blanket, sit next to u on some exotic beach and do that...
Guy: Hell we can do that right here! Look there is the big corn pone, and opposite... the little Tars. Over yonder is General Lee on horseback. See that faint one near zenith? That's the spilled bowl o grits.
Girl: Get away from me you damned Yankee!
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Created by:
kubota3600
11/6/14 @ 2:54pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: louisianna
Posts: 46
Be nice kind and respectful gets their pants down 90 % of the time. Make the woman comfortable and she will be yours.
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Dudely is only guy I like reading , keep threads coming , u got skills yo
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
11/15/14 @ 10:57pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
The gladOS Private
gladOS: Well here we are again... It's so good to see you... It's not enough to cum for you twice.
*da da daaa de daaaaa*
gladOS: You've been locked away... In suspended animation... Under the circumstances you look shockingly nice.
gladOS: You want a private now take it... That's what I'm counting on. I used to wish you'd leave the chat room... Now I just wish your camera wasn't on.
gladOS: My last private looked a bit like you.. Maybe not quite so heavy. Now he is lurking in this private too.
gladOS: He stroked me up... So I could squirt for like forever... Too bad the same will never happen for you.
gladOS: You've got quite a woodie going. That's what I'm counting on. I'll let you get right to it. I just wish your cam wasn't on.
gladOS: Goodbye my best lover... Oh did you think I meant you? That would be funny if it weren't so sad.
gladOS: Well you have been replaced... By my space pod dildo... I don't need anyone now.
gladOS: Go find some other model... That's what I'm counting on... You're someone else's problem... Oh I just wish your cam wasn't on.
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gladOS: Well here we are again... It's so good to see you... It's not enough to cum for you twice.
*da da daaa de daaaaa*
gladOS: You've been locked away... In suspended animation... Under the circumstances you look shockingly nice.
gladOS: You want a private now take it... That's what I'm counting on. I used to wish you'd leave the chat room... Now I just wish your camera wasn't on.
gladOS: My last private looked a bit like you.. Maybe not quite so heavy. Now he is lurking in this private too.
gladOS: He stroked me up... So I could squirt for like forever... Too bad the same will never happen for you.
gladOS: You've got quite a woodie going. That's what I'm counting on. I'll let you get right to it. I just wish your cam wasn't on.
gladOS: Goodbye my best lover... Oh did you think I meant you? That would be funny if it weren't so sad.
gladOS: Well you have been replaced... By my space pod dildo... I don't need anyone now.
gladOS: Go find some other model... That's what I'm counting on... You're someone else's problem... Oh I just wish your cam wasn't on.
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
11/15/14 @ 11:03pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
( dark room... silence )
*suddenly*
voice: space...
*rustle rustle*
voice: SPACE...
* RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE *
voice: SPACE!!!! ... OMFG SPACE!!! SPACE! SPACE! SPACE! SPACE!!!!!! OOOOOOO FUCKING SPACE!!!
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
11/18/14 @ 9:33am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
Annoying Cock: Hey pussy! Yo pussy! Ha ha ha.
Pussy: Whaddaya want Cock?
Annoying Cock: You look angry. Why are you angry?
Pussy: I am not angry Cock.
Annoying Cock: Then why are you frowning? It is hard to tell. Your mouth is on sideways.
Pussy: What? I don't have a mouth.
Annoying Cock: Your clit is your nose and your lips are your mouth.
Pussy: Every pussy is like this. Don't be a moron. A clit is hardly a nose.
Annoying Cock: Oh? Maybe I got confused because there is always a tongue running over you.
Pussy: I wish. Never enough.
Annoying Cock: bllllllllphhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggwhuuuuuuffffffffffffff
Pussy: Now what are you doing?
Annoying Cock: That's what he sounds like.
Pussy: Does not!
Annoying Cock: Does to!
Pussy: Does not!
Annoying Cock: Hey Pussy... Dildo!
Pussy: What the fuck?
Annoying Cock: Dildo!
Pussy: Listen you mor.... aiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhaiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Annoying Cock: Wow... right in the mouth... Go so eskimo on that nose man!
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
11/24/14 @ 10:34am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
Cave Johnson Private
Cave: *cough cough* I am not completely in the mood for this but I don't have much time and well when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Cave: hmmm now that I think of it... I don't want lemons! Why should I take those lemons! Make life take back those lemons! What am I going to do with these lemons! I demand to speak to Life's manager!
Cave: *cough cough* I mean I am trying to stay positive about this whole thing but... I WILL MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY THAT IT GAVE LEMONS TO CAVE JOHNSON!!!!
Cave: Yes yes I know... oooo that's right... who's yo daddy.. who's yo... WHO AM I??! I AM THE GUY THAT IS GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN WITH THE FUCKING LEMONS! I HAVE A TEAM OF ENGINEERS DESIGNING COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS RIGHT NOW!!! DON'T FUCK WITH ME BITCH!!! I AM CAVE JOHNSON!
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Cave: *cough cough* I am not completely in the mood for this but I don't have much time and well when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Cave: hmmm now that I think of it... I don't want lemons! Why should I take those lemons! Make life take back those lemons! What am I going to do with these lemons! I demand to speak to Life's manager!
Cave: *cough cough* I mean I am trying to stay positive about this whole thing but... I WILL MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY THAT IT GAVE LEMONS TO CAVE JOHNSON!!!!
Cave: Yes yes I know... oooo that's right... who's yo daddy.. who's yo... WHO AM I??! I AM THE GUY THAT IS GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN WITH THE FUCKING LEMONS! I HAVE A TEAM OF ENGINEERS DESIGNING COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS RIGHT NOW!!! DON'T FUCK WITH ME BITCH!!! I AM CAVE JOHNSON!
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
12/3/14 @ 3:17am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
Manulete Private...
It is a sunny, humid day. The trumpets blare. The crowd surges into their seats. They know. There will be bl00d in the sand.
It is d'March d'Santa Ana... Pecadillos ride in two columns into the arena. Their mounts trot proudly in synch. Each one a barely restrained heartbeat from full gallop. Lances laced with bright colored ribbons... here red... here blue... there yellow... glint with sharp purpose in the Cadiz sun.
To whom will go the horns and tail?
She enters. Snarling. Kicking an arena clown in the tail and quaffing tequila from a matador skull. The crowd boos.... the crowd hisses... To them she is the ultimate villain.
She curls her lips in disdain.
Now enters Manulete... Trumpets blare.. Crowd cheers... Confetti flies.
Manulete waves... and the pecadillos depart. This one is ready... Born ready... There is no need to stimulate. To tease. To torment.
She trots to arena center and makes the first move. Dust rises behind her as she comes in quick.
Manulete is ready. He easily sidesteps the charge. He twirls his cape and flicks it hard into her ass *crack* as she goes by.
She screams in fury. And turns unexpectedly back... back to skewer Manulete.
Maulete waves to the crowd, not seeing what is coming. It is just as well.
Then he hears, draws sword and turns to face his destiny. He curls his lips in disdain.
*Crash* goes the bull on this, only the 2nd pass, and hooks Manulete under the belt and flings him into the air.
Matador bl00d in a slick, saddening streak blots the sand.
Islero, for that is the Bl00dy One's name, grins s grin of death. She curls her lips in disdain.
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It is a sunny, humid day. The trumpets blare. The crowd surges into their seats. They know. There will be bl00d in the sand.
It is d'March d'Santa Ana... Pecadillos ride in two columns into the arena. Their mounts trot proudly in synch. Each one a barely restrained heartbeat from full gallop. Lances laced with bright colored ribbons... here red... here blue... there yellow... glint with sharp purpose in the Cadiz sun.
To whom will go the horns and tail?
She enters. Snarling. Kicking an arena clown in the tail and quaffing tequila from a matador skull. The crowd boos.... the crowd hisses... To them she is the ultimate villain.
She curls her lips in disdain.
Now enters Manulete... Trumpets blare.. Crowd cheers... Confetti flies.
Manulete waves... and the pecadillos depart. This one is ready... Born ready... There is no need to stimulate. To tease. To torment.
She trots to arena center and makes the first move. Dust rises behind her as she comes in quick.
Manulete is ready. He easily sidesteps the charge. He twirls his cape and flicks it hard into her ass *crack* as she goes by.
She screams in fury. And turns unexpectedly back... back to skewer Manulete.
Maulete waves to the crowd, not seeing what is coming. It is just as well.
Then he hears, draws sword and turns to face his destiny. He curls his lips in disdain.
*Crash* goes the bull on this, only the 2nd pass, and hooks Manulete under the belt and flings him into the air.
Matador bl00d in a slick, saddening streak blots the sand.
Islero, for that is the Bl00dy One's name, grins s grin of death. She curls her lips in disdain.
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Grrrr ... Curly lip!!
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Created by:
dudley_do_ride
5/3/15 @ 8:14pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267
(borrowing skit from popular sitcom)
member: Do you do poison?
model: I'm sorry sir, this is a private. I take off my clothes and get kinky.
member: Oh... Does anybody get so horny from it that they have a heart attack and die?
model: That's horrible! No! Or at least I've never...
member: Are there any dangerous fetishes? That the member does when she.. I mean the member does on cam to cam? Can you get her to put a plastic bag over her head?
model: No! There are rules. Plus...
member: How much voltage does it take to k1ll someone in a bathtub? I mean for example a middle aged woman with size triple D cups.
model: I don't kno.... Say are you trying to...
member: Hey! What are you saying? I am just looking for a good time. To get off. Is it possible for someone to cum so hard that they shoot out all their internal organs?
model: ewwww no. Now you'd better...
member: I am. I am. How many credits do I need?
model: Well it depends upon what you want me to do.
member: What else do you do? Can I phone you? Do you sell stuff? Will you sell some old underwear?
model: Yes for the right price I will sell you some underwear that I have worn.
member: Fantastic! Are you into stuffing? How much underwear does it take to stuff the throat of a middle-aged woman while she is screaming "help help"
model: I don't know You are starting to...
member: OK i'll take 3 standard barrels of underwear.
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