8/23/15 @ 7:32pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793
*is laughing*
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8/29/15 @ 3:12am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.
Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lot of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"
So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds later he has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.
The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete cunt when you are drunk" Quote
'next to the wall so I can use my phone while it's charging' Quote
9/4/15 @ 11:11pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?" Quote
10/6/15 @ 10:16pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Brisbane Australia, home of the 2032 Olympic Games
Posts: 44,529
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two men were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and eventually said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Quote
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1/29/16 @ 3:33pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third chi1d?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted. Quote
2/2/16 @ 11:28am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
He looks at the plates in his hands and says, "Well, I can't give them to you right now...but you can reach in my pocket and get them."
Everyone is looking as she reaches into his pants. She smiles bashfully as she looks around and said, "I feel a little funny."
He replies, "Feel a little deeper and you will feel NUTS!" Quote
2/8/16 @ 12:26pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"
The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires." Quote
4/16/16 @ 12:24am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431
I decided to delete all the german names from my phone, now its Hans free....
how many lives does a german cat have? nein!!
why did the ram run off a clif? he didn't see the ewe turn....
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4/16/16 @ 12:29am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"
The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."
Could of been worse, a Peel P50* car.
*Officially the worlds smallest production car.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peel_P50
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6/7/16 @ 1:36pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages. Quote
A guy was walking past a pool when he saw a butterfly in it and flapping its wings. He immediately took it out, held it in one hand while tenderly touching it with other and said 'I hope you're ok.' The butterfly replied, 'Why did you do that? I was only playing in the water, I come here once a year to celebrate. You see, today is my birthday.' 'Wow', the boy said, 'that's awesome, wish you a very happy birthday, dear butterfly!' and he clapped his hands joyously. Quote
another squirrel saw him and said "what's wrong with you? are you crazy?"
he said "NO! I'm fucking nuts!"
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10/30/16 @ 5:28am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: usa, minnesota
Posts: 1
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