Josh Polk: Laughter is the best Medicine - 7/26/13 - Male Performer Chat

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Laughter is the best Medicine

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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine

Created by: malteeser

6/25/14 @ 5:39am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Three men, an Italian, an American and a Mexican, were on a hot air balloon. Suddenly, their balloon started to slowly sink towards the ground in mid-air. They were over the middle of the ocean, and feared that the balloon wouldn't stay in the air long enough to get to land. So they decided to throw some things off the balloon in order to lessen the weight on it and keep it in the air longer.
The Italian threw off some boxes with pizza in them. "Why did you throw the pizza off?" asked the American and the Mexican. "We have a lot of pizza in my country, so I didn't need it," replied the Italian.
The Mexican threw off some boxes that contained tortillas. "Why did you throw the tortillas off?" asked the American and the Italian. "We have a lot of that stuff in my country, so I didn't need it," replied the Mexican.
Then, the American took the Mexican and threw him off the balloon. "Why the heck did you do that?!" asked the Italian. "We have a lot of Mexicans in my country..." replied the American.

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Created by: malteeser

6/26/14 @ 1:08am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A young man goes to a whorehouse to experience his first taste of sex.

The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do.
Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"

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Created by: malteeser

6/27/14 @ 6:33am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The old guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The old guy nods. The guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the fuck out."

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Created by: malteeser

7/2/14 @ 7:41am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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Created by: malteeser

7/3/14 @ 1:55pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, 'Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.'
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?'

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Created by: malteeser

7/7/14 @ 10:46am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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Created by: malteeser

7/8/14 @ 8:04am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a baby, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

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Created by: malteeser

7/9/14 @ 11:07am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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One morning, before the farmer went out to the field, he said, "Honey, the artificial insemination man is coming over this morning to impregnate one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four over the stall. Please show him where it is."

When the man arrived, Nancy led him down the row of stalls until she saw the nail. She pointed to the stall and the man remarked, "Are you sure?"

"Yep, it's the one with the nail," said Nancy.

"What's the nail for?" inquired the man.

"Well, I guess it's there to hang your pants on."

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Created by: malteeser

7/10/14 @ 9:00am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

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Created by: malteeser

7/11/14 @ 10:47am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

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Created by: malteeser

7/12/14 @ 6:04am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man walks into a bar with a large box. The bar tender goes up to him and asks what's in the box.
The man says I'll show ya' if you get me a beer.
So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks hey! that's pretty cool, where did ya' get that?
The man says I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer. So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says I got it from a genie and a lamp.
The bar tender says If ya' let me borrow that genie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer.
The man says Oh, Okay!
The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out! What the bar tender doesn't know is that the genie is hard of hearing.
The genie says Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?
The bar tender says I wish for a million bucks!!! And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!
And the man says Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist?

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Created by: malteeser

7/14/14 @ 8:05am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's

Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

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Created by: malteeser

7/15/14 @ 7:33am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I am not coming to work today, I am really sick. I have a headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I am not coming to work."

The boss says, "I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I did what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ........................ You have a nice house!

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Created by: malteeser

7/16/14 @ 6:59am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful."

When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"

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Created by: malteeser

7/16/14 @ 7:01am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"

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Created by: malteeser

7/17/14 @ 2:33am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Little Tommy was doing very badly in Maths. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in Maths. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

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Created by: malteeser

7/18/14 @ 7:37am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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The Judge asked the prostitute,

'So when did you realize you'd been r a p e d ?'

The Prostitute, wiping her tears, replied,

'when the check bounced.'

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Created by: malteeser

7/19/14 @ 5:09am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

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Created by: malteeser

7/21/14 @ 9:06am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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Created by: malteeser

7/22/14 @ 7:54am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Rosey had invited her younger sister, Nina, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nina out for a night on the town.

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nina went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap.

They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom.

"Oh, no," Nina protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

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