Valentine Day jokes :

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'



*************************************


Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'



**************************************************************
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? Valentine Joke

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.


************************************************************

One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".


***************************************************************

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.


***********************************************************

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just �10 but on one condition.'

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'


****************************************************

My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:

...(v3r)
Brand new mop and bucket.
I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.
Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.
Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box.
I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.
Midnight moped ride through the park.
I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.
Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favourites this -
I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
45 second back massage.
I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.
Windows 8.1
I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.


Quote

TWO PEANUTS WERE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD,
& ONE WAS ASSULTED! He He........

ok that was a little dry.....Here's another.....

WHAT KIND OF FISH HAS 2 KNEE'S?????



A TUNY FISH!!!! Lol I hope you like them, all my jokes are youth friendly. Have a GREAT DAY! Quote

Cool Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life... Quote

Cool Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...



So good!!! Quote

There was a man named George driving in his car in the middle of the night, on a highway. He drives until he sees a stop sign, and slows down, but keeps going. A police officer sees this and pulls George over.

George: Is there a problem officer?
Police: Yeah. You just drove past a stop sign.
George: I slowed down, now if I will be on my way-

The police officer pulls him out of his car and begins beating George with his nightstick.

Police: Would you like me to slow down, or stop?!


-------------------------------------


A priest, a politician and an engineer were scheduled to be executed late in the French revolution. I has to be "public", and people are tired of all the bl00dshed, so a crowd of spectators is forcibly rounded up.

The priest is brought up to the guiotine and lays down on the table. The executioner pulls the cord and the heavy steel blade descends ... then shudders to a stop in the middle of the track. The executioner is a very smart guy (which is why he is pulling the cord, rather than laying on the table) so he proclaims, "This is a sign from God, that the life of this priest should be spared!" The priest is set free to the delight of the cheering crowd.

Next the politician is brought up and laid on the table. The cord is pulled, and the blade again shudders to a halt in the same place. The executioner proclaims "The grace of God is extended even to this politician!" and the crowd goes wild with joy!

The engineer steps up last and says "You know, if you tighten that bolt, this thing will work." Quote

(1) I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, 'Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!' I said, 'Wow' Then her friend said, 'She means 666-3629.'

(2) A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. 'Ha­­! That’s not going to help,' she said.

'Sure, it does,' he said. 'It’s the only way I can see the numbers.' Quote

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499.

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals are attending but one. Which is it, and why?

Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick
Quote

a man walks into a bar and sits down. he sets a briefcase on the bar and pulls out a tiny man, must be only a foot tall. then he proceeds to put a miniature piano on the counter and the tiny man sits and begins to play a beautiful melody. the bartender approaches and says can i get you a drink? the man orders and when the bartender returns he says "you know i gotta ask, whats up with the tiny man?" the man looks at him and says "well, its just like any other genie story youve heard before..." dumbfounded, the bartender says " you found a magic lamp, and wished for.... THAT?" the man says " well i think my genie was hard of hearing, cuz i can assure you i didnt wish for a 12' inch pianist!" Quote

a man walks into a bar and sits down. he sets a briefcase on the bar and pulls out a tiny man, must be only a foot tall. then he proceeds to put a miniature piano on the counter and the tiny man sits and begins to play a beautiful melody. the bartender approaches and says can i get you a drink? the man orders and when the bartender returns he says "you know i gotta ask, whats up with the tiny man?" the man looks at him and says "well, its just like any other genie story youve heard before..." dumbfounded, the bartender says " you found a magic lamp, and wished for.... THAT?" the man says " well i think my genie was hard of hearing, cuz i can assure you i didnt wish for a 12' inch pianist!"



awesome!!!!
Thanks.!! Quote

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499.

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals are attending but one. Which is it, and why?

Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick




... When your number is up....
THANK YOUUUUUU!!!! Quote

Don't let this thread die guys!!!
It is the last thing funny in F4F...
( Except for the credits "sales" )

BUMP!!! Quote

A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, "How was your honeymoon, dear?" "Oh, mama!" she replied, "The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic..." But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said "but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"

"Darling, darling," her mother said, "calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?" And, the daughter cried "please don't make me tell you, mama! I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! Just come and get me, please!"

"Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell me these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
Quote

A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, "How was your honeymoon, dear?" "Oh, mama!" she replied, "The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic..." But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said "but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"

"Darling, darling," her mother said, "calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?" And, the daughter cried "please don't make me tell you, mama! I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! Just come and get me, please!"

"Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell me these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"




wonderful!!!!!!!
it gave me a good chuckle....LMAO!!! Quote

A mother make her son intelligent in 20 years,
but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.
-------------------------------------------------------


The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever ki11 anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
Quote

A mother make her son intelligent in 20 years,
but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.
-------------------------------------------------------


The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever ki11 anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”




Thanks!!! Quote

hey this is amazing! .) Quote

Do you like it?
Who wants to revive this thread? Quote

Do you like it?
Who wants to revive this thread?



The 3 of us!!! Me,myself and I...!!!
This thread is one of the few I would log in for....
Nothing better than a good laugh or a big smile.... Quote

Teacher: Boys, what does the chicken give you?
Student: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Student: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Student: Homework!
(your turn Louis) Quote

A man yells at his son, "Stop masturbating! Or you’ll go blind."
His son replies, ”Dad, I'm over here."
Quote