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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine
Created by:
malteeser
10/18/13 @ 9:00am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars." Quote
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/19/13 @ 2:16am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he deeps the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop
'Are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?'
Quote
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he deeps the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop
'Are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?'
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/21/13 @ 6:48am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
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A drunken man leaves a pub and begins a long walk home on a very chilly and dark night. On his journey he decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery to save some time. A few minutes into the cemetery he trips on a shovel on the ground and falls flat on his back in a freshly dug grave. Several minutes later, another drunken man leaves the same pub and takes the same route to get home. Like the first he also decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. A few seconds into the cemetery the second man hears h-h-help me Im c-c-cold. The second man stops and is somewhat frightened thinking that he is hearing ghosts. He walks a little further and hears again h-h-help me Im c-c-cold, al littler louder this time. The second man quickens his pace, convinced now that there are ghosts loose in the cemetery. Seconds later he hears again, h-h-help me Im c-c-cold, this time very loud and seemingly right at his feet. The second man looks down and seeing the first man flat on his back in the open grave says. N-N-No won-won-wonder your C-C-Cold, You Th-Th-Threw all the dirt off.
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Created by:
malteeser
10/22/13 @ 9:26am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
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A young man turns to the University Library
which was full of people ... Found place next
a striking blonde and asked quietly :
- Are you busy ? Do you mind if I sit down to your
side?
The girl replied aloud :
-I do not want to spend the night with you !
All students were in the library ,
fastened his eyes on the girl, who very
ashamed retired to another table , which also
had a seat.
After a few minutes , the girl went to the
young table and said
- Study psychology and know perfectly what
think a man. I made you feel embarrassed ,
Right?
The young man said loudly :
- What do .... 150 dollars for a blowjob ? It is expensive ,
're crazy !
Everyone in the library stared at the
blonde, who was in shock ... And was not that
do, wanted the earth to swallow her , then the
woman whispered :
- I study law ... and know how to make
a person look guilty .
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Created by:
malteeser
10/23/13 @ 9:34am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Quote
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/24/13 @ 6:24am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear." Quote
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/25/13 @ 8:15am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?" Quote
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?" Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/26/13 @ 5:24am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off." Quote
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/27/13 @ 3:12am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!" Quote
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!" Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/28/13 @ 9:12am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.
His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law." Quote
His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law." Quote
Hey guys what amazing topic a good regard for u!! :P
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Created by:
malteeser
10/29/13 @ 6:44am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Quote
Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Quote
One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
what do u say about this malt??
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Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
what do u say about this malt??
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/30/13 @ 7:05am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Jajajaja - very good one, Adam. Here is another one:
Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.
"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.
"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the... ." The power went off.
He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"
Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage." Quote
Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.
"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.
"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the... ." The power went off.
He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"
Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage." Quote
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Created by:
malteeser
10/31/13 @ 12:02pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?" Quote
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?" Quote
