Forum Topics
Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine
Created by:
malteeser
11/22/13 @ 8:40am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A y o u n g g i r l gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.
A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.
Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!" Quote
A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.
Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!" Quote
when you are feeling sad or down,think right in that moment there somewhere in the world is someone that push on a door that has type "pull"on it ...
btw all the joke i wrote are traslated from romanian in englsh...so i m sorry if i translate wrong X_X Quote
btw all the joke i wrote are traslated from romanian in englsh...so i m sorry if i translate wrong X_X Quote
What's the difference between a webcam model and a tornado?
A lot of suckin' and blowin' and then you lose your house!! ;) Quote
A lot of suckin' and blowin' and then you lose your house!! ;) Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/7/13 @ 7:36am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Quote
Girl: Mom, I am pregnant!
Mom: Oh my God, who is the pig who fucked you?
Girl: Do you really want to know him?
Mom: Of course, you should bring him here to speak with me and with your father.
Girl: No problem, Mum, tomorrow he will be here.
The day after, a very handsome mature guy visits the home of the girl's parents.
Guy: I am very sorry for what happened. I cannot marry the girl because I have a family of my own. It was a naughty adventure but I promise to support the girl and the baby. If a baby girl is born, I will give her a luxury apartment in Paris, a Ferrari, a half million dollar account in the Bahamas and horses. If it is a boy, I will give him a luxury apartment in New York, two Ferraris, a half million dollar account in the Bahamas, farms, land and shares in my company. If twins are born, I will give all this plus a four million dollar account in Switzerland. All this subject to only one condition - that the pregnancy is not lost and the baby is born.
The father of the girl, who so far has been quietly sitting down, sprang to his feet, tapped the guy on his shoulder and told the guy: No problem about that, son - if that happens you can fuck the girl again. :D Quote
Mom: Oh my God, who is the pig who fucked you?
Girl: Do you really want to know him?
Mom: Of course, you should bring him here to speak with me and with your father.
Girl: No problem, Mum, tomorrow he will be here.
The day after, a very handsome mature guy visits the home of the girl's parents.
Guy: I am very sorry for what happened. I cannot marry the girl because I have a family of my own. It was a naughty adventure but I promise to support the girl and the baby. If a baby girl is born, I will give her a luxury apartment in Paris, a Ferrari, a half million dollar account in the Bahamas and horses. If it is a boy, I will give him a luxury apartment in New York, two Ferraris, a half million dollar account in the Bahamas, farms, land and shares in my company. If twins are born, I will give all this plus a four million dollar account in Switzerland. All this subject to only one condition - that the pregnancy is not lost and the baby is born.
The father of the girl, who so far has been quietly sitting down, sprang to his feet, tapped the guy on his shoulder and told the guy: No problem about that, son - if that happens you can fuck the girl again. :D Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/9/13 @ 3:05am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'" Quote
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'" Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/10/13 @ 11:18am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." Quote
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/11/13 @ 10:20am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their boy. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the boy. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this boy around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my boy and a part of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/12/13 @ 9:55am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Quote
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Quote
This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
Quote
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/13/13 @ 7:36am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in the trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong...but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Me checking for bees" said Tarzan.
Quote
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in the trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong...but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Me checking for bees" said Tarzan.
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/14/13 @ 6:26am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Quote
Created by:
anniegirl143
12/15/13 @ 3:42pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 10
A girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be
willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries
about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be
used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop,
put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She went into the back room and phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back into the shop and check if he is carrying a yellow bucket" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket
"Yes!" she said "He's got one"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner".
Quote
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be
willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries
about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be
used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop,
put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She went into the back room and phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back into the shop and check if he is carrying a yellow bucket" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket
"Yes!" she said "He's got one"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner".
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/16/13 @ 7:14am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama." Quote
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/17/13 @ 10:39am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!" Quote
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!" Quote
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, Whats that? She says, Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out. Quote
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out. Quote
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full. Quote
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full. Quote
Created by:
anniegirl143
12/17/13 @ 4:31pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 10
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
Quote
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
Quote
police pullover a car with black windows:
- police guy: drugs? alchool?
- whisper behind the windows: no thanks,we`v got everything. Quote
- police guy: drugs? alchool?
- whisper behind the windows: no thanks,we`v got everything. Quote
Created by:
malteeser
12/18/13 @ 10:05am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is u r i n e. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." Quote
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." Quote
