fucking hilarious


Thanks Diddy Quote

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Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?" Quote

REJECTION LINES BY WOMEN

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that banjo player in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a silent difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my Dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system,' much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

And the Number One rejection line given by women:

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with) Quote

Good Girls -v- Bad Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."


I LOOOOOVE THIS ONE!!!!! I thought it deserved another read...My fav line, ".....Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it." LMAO...I haaaaate bras. I actually DO own two, but rarely use them!

Sincerely yours,

Lauren (bad girl) Vail Quote

Soo many Jackson jokes - so little time ( Plus many of them are too rude for here ) Quote

Just seen the Preachers nuts pretty run of the mill, See what you think of this priest preaching?
A new priest at his first mass was so nervoushe could hardly speak. After the service he asked the monseigneur how he had done.
"Well when I feel nervous in the pulpit I put vodka in the glass instesad of water and if I get too nervous I take a sip."
Next Sunday the new priest took his advice and at the beginning of the service took a drink. He spoke for a while then took another drink, spoke some, drank some, spoke some, drank some.
When he returned to the sacristry after the service he found a note attached to the door.
1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp
2)There are ten commandments, not twelve
3) There are twelve disciples not ten.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not" bet his ***"
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C.
7)The Father Son and Holy Ghost are not refered to as "daddy, juior and spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the **** out of him"
9)When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey we don't say he was "stoned off his ***"
10) we do not refer to the cross as the "big T"
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said "Take this and eat for this is my body. He did not say "Eat me"
12)The recommended grace before meals is not, " Rubba dub dub, thanks for the grub, Yeh God."
13)Moses parted the water of the Red Sea, he did not "pass water"
14 We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko".
15) The Pope is consecrated not castrated Quote

PRISON vs WORK

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers. Quote

PRISON vs WORK
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.




So much is true Work is sometimes like prison Quote

Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.

Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.

So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.

So the friend gave the man the witch's address.

The next day he visited the witch.

After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.

After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer.

"Go into the woods and find a frog.

Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."

The man quickly ran to the woods.

After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.

He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.

"NO Thank You" the frog said.

The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20.

The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.

Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.

The frog replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you.... NO, NO, NO"

The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to 10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter. Quote

Well, actually this is not a joke but this happened to me on work this week..

We have a machine with only button on it and it says "0" and "1". So this girl came up to me and asked me how to turn on this machine because couldnt figure out where the "0" and the "1" stood for. She thought it were letters, the "I" and the "O". So i explained her that the "O' means zero and the "I" means one. And when you turn the button from 0 to 1 you probably turn it on... She thanked me. Lol.. Quote

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
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Little miss hubbard
went to the cupboard
to fetch the poor doggy a bone, she bent down, the dog was around and he gave her a bone of his own!!!

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A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis".

His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. Quote

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost boobs...
{B} Barely there
{C} Can't complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up! Quote

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, �When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.� The teacher asked, � What if Jonah went to hell?� The little girl replied, �Then you ask him�.

Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child�s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, �I�m drawing God.� The teacher paused and said, �But no one knows what God looks like.� Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, �They will in a minute.�

Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to �honor� thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, �Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?� Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, �Thou shall not kill.�

Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, �Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?� Her mother replied, �Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.� The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, �Momma, how come ALL of grandma�s hairs are white?�

Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. �Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, �There�s Jennifer, she�s a lawyer,� or �That�s Michael, he�s a doctor.� A small voice at the back of the room rang out,�And there�s the teacher, she�s dead. �

Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, �Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..� �Yes,� the class said. �Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn�t run into my feet?� A little fellow shouted, �Cause your feet ain�t empty.�

Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: �Take only ONE. God is watching.� Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, �Take all you want - God is watching the apples.
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Impossible Things To Say when Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2
. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning


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Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail. Quote

Title: THE SAD LIFE OF A PENIS

"THE SAD LIFE OF A PENIS"
I ONLY HAVE ONE EYE,
MY HAIR IS MESSY,
MY SKIN I WRINKLY,
MY RELATIVES ARE NUTS,
MY NEIGHBOURS AN ARSEHOLE & MY BEST FRIENDS A CUNT





Title: the mortician and the cock

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.


As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever Seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"






Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can�t help but notice how pretty Anthony�s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom�s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, �I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.�

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, �Ever since your mother came to dinner, I�ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don�t suppose she took it, do you?�

�Well, I doubt it, but I�ll e-mail her, just to be sure.� So he sends his Mom an email:

�Dear Momma, I�m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I�m not saying that you didn�t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony�

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

�Figlio mio, I�m not saying that you �do� sleep with Maria, and I�m not saying that you �do not� sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.�

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After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." Quote