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A man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl working there if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun.
She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl tells him how they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.
When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence, when he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a handjob.
When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.
When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.
When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"
He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms but I do want 8 feet of that fence!" Quote
She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl tells him how they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.
When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence, when he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a handjob.
When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.
When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.
When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"
He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms but I do want 8 feet of that fence!" Quote
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
"You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog's name." Quote
The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
"You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog's name." Quote
Created by:
g-mann
7/24/09 @ 1:26am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"
With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.
"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.
Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"
Quote
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"
With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.
"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.
Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"
Quote
Created by:
g-mann
7/24/09 @ 4:09pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
A guy walks into a bar and sets a bag down on the stool next to him. He orders two drinks and when they come, he drinks one and quickly opens the bag, pours the other into the bag then closes it again as quick as he can. He orders two more drinks and repeats the procedure again. After the third round of drinks the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the guy what he is doing.
"You don't want to know," he says. But the bartender insists on knowing. The guy reaches down and opens the bag. As the bartender leans over to look in the bag a little man about a foot tall jumps out and runs down the bar kicking over drinks and cursing at all the patrons. Running back up the bar he stops and unzips his pants and pees on the bar then jumps off the bar and back into the bag. The bartender demands to know just what the hell that was all about.
"Well," the guy says, "I was in the desert last year and I came across a rattle snake. I was about to kill it when it reared up and started talking to me. It said if I did not kill it it would grant me a wish. Well I thought about it and asked for a 12-inch prick and that's him!" Quote
"You don't want to know," he says. But the bartender insists on knowing. The guy reaches down and opens the bag. As the bartender leans over to look in the bag a little man about a foot tall jumps out and runs down the bar kicking over drinks and cursing at all the patrons. Running back up the bar he stops and unzips his pants and pees on the bar then jumps off the bar and back into the bag. The bartender demands to know just what the hell that was all about.
"Well," the guy says, "I was in the desert last year and I came across a rattle snake. I was about to kill it when it reared up and started talking to me. It said if I did not kill it it would grant me a wish. Well I thought about it and asked for a 12-inch prick and that's him!" Quote
Created by:
g-mann
7/30/09 @ 5:42am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
Quote
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
Quote
Father bull and son bull are standing on a hill. Down in the valley they see lots of beautiful cows...
Son bull says: "Daddy, let's run down there and fuck one of them..."
Father bull answered: "No son, let's walk down there slowly and fuck them all..."
Quote
Son bull says: "Daddy, let's run down there and fuck one of them..."
Father bull answered: "No son, let's walk down there slowly and fuck them all..."
Quote
Created by:
suggs
7/30/09 @ 7:14am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
A man is driving out in the middle of the woods during a rainstorm. His car breaks down, and the inly
house around is a giant mansion on top of a hill, so he goes up and knocks on the door. A little chinese man answers the door,and asks if everything is ok. The man describes his problem, but the chineseman says the phone lines are down, but he is welcome to stay until morning, but only under 1 condition, he cant sleep with the chinese mans daughter.
The guy thinks, no problem, how hard could it be? He walks in, and immediately, all he can think about is sex, because this girl is so beautiful. She def likes him and starts flirting right away. That night the chinese man walks him to his room, just accross the hall from his daughters room. He reminds him again to stay away from his daughter, or he will inflict the 3 ancient chinese tortures on him.
Of course, the man thinks nothing of these tortures and goes into the daughters bedroom to find her
naked, waiting for him. It is the greatest day of his life! So, afte they are done, he sneeks back in to his room and goes to sleep.
He wakes up the next morning, and there is a 100 lbs boulder on his chest with a sticky note attached to it. The sticky note reads, ancient chinese torture #1 - Boulder on chest
He laughs at how dumb this chinese thing was, so he carries the boulder over to the window, and
throws it out, off of the third floor. While the boulder is falling, he looks to his left, and on the window
sill is another sticky note. This one reads, Ancient Chinese Torture #2 - Left testicle tied to boulder
He freaks out, and immediately jumps out the window, happier to break his legs than lose a nut.
While he is falling, he finds another sticky note floating down next to him on the string from the
boulder to his nut. This one reads,
Ancient Chinese Torture #3 - Right testicle tied to bed post
Quote
house around is a giant mansion on top of a hill, so he goes up and knocks on the door. A little chinese man answers the door,and asks if everything is ok. The man describes his problem, but the chineseman says the phone lines are down, but he is welcome to stay until morning, but only under 1 condition, he cant sleep with the chinese mans daughter.
The guy thinks, no problem, how hard could it be? He walks in, and immediately, all he can think about is sex, because this girl is so beautiful. She def likes him and starts flirting right away. That night the chinese man walks him to his room, just accross the hall from his daughters room. He reminds him again to stay away from his daughter, or he will inflict the 3 ancient chinese tortures on him.
Of course, the man thinks nothing of these tortures and goes into the daughters bedroom to find her
naked, waiting for him. It is the greatest day of his life! So, afte they are done, he sneeks back in to his room and goes to sleep.
He wakes up the next morning, and there is a 100 lbs boulder on his chest with a sticky note attached to it. The sticky note reads, ancient chinese torture #1 - Boulder on chest
He laughs at how dumb this chinese thing was, so he carries the boulder over to the window, and
throws it out, off of the third floor. While the boulder is falling, he looks to his left, and on the window
sill is another sticky note. This one reads, Ancient Chinese Torture #2 - Left testicle tied to boulder
He freaks out, and immediately jumps out the window, happier to break his legs than lose a nut.
While he is falling, he finds another sticky note floating down next to him on the string from the
boulder to his nut. This one reads,
Ancient Chinese Torture #3 - Right testicle tied to bed post
Quote
Created by:
g-mann
7/30/09 @ 2:28pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.
The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12" Quote
The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12" Quote
Created by:
g-mann
7/31/09 @ 2:14am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents. Quote
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents. Quote
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! Quote
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! Quote
Created by:
g-mann
7/31/09 @ 3:10am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!" Quote
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!" Quote
Created by:
lickau
7/31/09 @ 10:40am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
Created by:
g-mann
7/31/09 @ 10:12pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
10 Things Not To Tell Your Boyfriend
10. Oh come on! Who's gonna find out?
9. Well, your brother likes it this way.
8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!
7. Dare to compare?
6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?
5. Is it supposed to bend that way?
4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?
3. Just go away I can finish myself!
2. I'm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!
1. Is it in yet? Quote
10. Oh come on! Who's gonna find out?
9. Well, your brother likes it this way.
8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!
7. Dare to compare?
6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?
5. Is it supposed to bend that way?
4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?
3. Just go away I can finish myself!
2. I'm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!
1. Is it in yet? Quote
Created by:
g-mann
8/1/09 @ 7:53am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!" Quote
The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!" Quote
Created by:
amicu
8/2/09 @ 12:18pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: In the F4F Archives, Sublevel 5, aisles 71-72
Posts: 1,088
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning though none of them can remember what they did the night before
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, Well, Im from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and Ill tell ya right now, yall aint gonna electrocute nobody if you dont plug this thing in. Quote
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, Well, Im from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and Ill tell ya right now, yall aint gonna electrocute nobody if you dont plug this thing in. Quote
Created by:
g-mann
8/2/09 @ 2:33pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
IDIOT'S SEX GUIDE
1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes. Quote
1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes. Quote
Created by:
suggs
8/2/09 @ 2:42pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can
correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt Quote
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can
correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt Quote
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" Quote
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" Quote
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' Quote
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' Quote
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY! Quote
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY! Quote
